What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka
Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down?
Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.
Why don’t sponges have many friends?
They’re too self absorbed.
Did you hear the one about the broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless…
Say did you hear about that new pirate movie?
Its rated “Rrrrr.”
Did you hear about the fire in the circus?
It was in tents!
Why did the man salute the refrigerator?
Because it was General Electric.
What do you call a guy with a shovel in his head?
Doug
What do you get when you teach a pig karate?
A pork chop.
What is the rallying cry for the International Dyslexic Movement?
Dyslexics Untie!
What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pit bull?
A dog that rips your arm off and then runs for help.
What’s got 4 legs and an arm?
A pit bull.
Who weighed 2 tons & played the piano?
Duke Elephant.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Why did the man sleep under the car?
To wake up oily in the morning.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker???
“Hop in”.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Hey – let’s go ride bikes!!
What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?
Scratching away at 6ft of earth.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What do you get when you run over a parakeet with a lawnmower?
Shredded tweet.
What time is it when the elephant sits on the fence?
Time to get a more decisive elephant!
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying ”Bach, Bach, Bach…”
What did the bird say after his cage broke?
“Cheap, cheap!”
What’s invisible and smells like carrots???
Bunny farts!
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
He wanted to lay it on the line.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road rolls in dirt and comes back?
A dirty double crosser
Why did the chicken run onto the football field?
Because the umpire called a foul.
What do you call 2 fleas on top of a bald head?
Homeless
What did one flea say to the other flea?
Shall we walk or take a dog?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?
Drumsticks for everybody!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!
How do you kill a circus clown?
Go for the juggler!
How is being at the singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all screaming.
I manufactured clown shoes…..which was no small feat.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up!
What is the gooey red stuff between an elephant’s toes?
Slow clowns.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!
Did you hear about the circus clown funeral?
All his friends came in one car.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”
A priest, a lawyer and a pirate walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says, “I just want to know one thing – who shot my paw?
A horse walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, “Hey pal, why the long face?”
A bear walks in to a bar. The bartender says, “Hey pal, why the big pause?”
Duck walks into a drug store and says, “Gimme a tube of chapstick and put it on my bill”
A pig walks into a bar in Vegas on a hot day and says, “Man, give me a beer. I’m bakin’”
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A jumper cable walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, “Alright, but don’t start anything.”
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Two men walked down the street. One walked into a bar. The other one ducked.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other, “how the heck do you drive this thing?”
Two parrots are sitting on a perch, one asks the other “do you smell fish?”
Have you seen the movie “Constipated”? I haven’t either. It hasn’t come out yet
Why did the leper poker game end? Everyone threw in their hand
The nice thing about Alzheimer’s is you get to hide your own Easter eggs.
How do you get a kleenex to dance? Blow a boogie into it.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his best friend in the woods?
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but she broke it off.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
The other day I saw a Pirate selling corn on the side of the road. It was a buck an ear
I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Can I get you something?” Descartes says “I don’t think so” and then POOF!! He disappears.
“The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.”
Arnold Swartzeneger and Sylvester Stallone are making a movie about the lives of great composers. Stallone says “I want to be Mozart.” Swartzeneger says “In that case… I’ll be Bach!”
“May I take your order?” the waiter asked. “Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?” “Nothing special, sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”
A guy walks into a doctors office he says: “Doctor you gotta listen to me, no one pays any attention to me, it’s like I’m invisible” Doctor says: “Next please”.
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set. The history professor asked the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?” To which the professor of psychology replied, “Yes and I think it’s these pesky wicker chairs.”
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy! Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents. “What will you name the baby”? The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, “Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I think we will name him Sum-Ting Wong.
A turtle was mugged by a gang of snails while walking down an alley in New York City. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies: “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”. The doctor replies: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
SMILES FROM THE BIBLE
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
What do they call pastors in Germany?
German Shepherds.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the
land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun.
What is amore?
When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
That’s amore.
When an eel bites your hand,
And that’s not what you planned,
That’s a moray.
When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That’s our mores.
When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That’s some more hay.
When Othello’s poor wife,
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That’s a Moor, eh?
When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That’s a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That’s some more “A”s!
A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That’s a Morey.
When your chocolate graham,
Is with marshmallows crammed,
That s’more, eh.
When you’ve had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That’s “No more!”, eh?
HEADSTONE HUMOR (found on real headstones):
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up and no place to go.
******************************
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid.
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
*****************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clEerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.
******************************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
******************************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.
******************************
A lawyer’s epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
*****************************
John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
*****************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
*****************************
Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg, Falls,Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
*****************************
From Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a 44
No Les No Moore
******************************
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be. Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent
Until I know which way you went
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON’T SAY:
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
We have been friends for a very long time..
Let’s say we stop?
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Forgetful
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?” The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that is red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” “Yes,” the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Frog Goes to Bank
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.” Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?” So the bank manager looks back at her and says: “It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
Her New Home
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and sat her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” “It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”
Old Ladies
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. “My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one. “I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another. “I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third. “My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another contributed. “I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence. “Thank God we can all still drive,” said one woman cheerfully.
Bar Owner and Snail
The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and there’s a snail sitting on the doorstep. “What do you want?” asks the owner. “I want a beer,” says the snail. “First of all, we’re closed, and second of all, we don’t serve snails. So go away!” The snail begs and pleads for a beer. The owner finally gets fed up, kicks the snail, and slams the door.
ONE YEAR LATER…. The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and there’s a snail sitting on the doorstep. “What’d you do that for?” asks the snail.
Panda Bear
A Panda bear walks into a bar. Sits down at a table and orders a beer and a double cheeseburger. After he is finished eating, he pulls out a gun and rips the place with gunfire. Patrons scatter and dive under chairs and tables as the bear runs out the door. After ensuring that no one is hurt, the bartender races out the door, and calls after the bear “What the heck did you do that for?” The bear calls back, “I’m a Panda bear. Look it up in the dictionary.” The bartender returns, pulls out his dictionary:
panda : \Pan”da\, n. (Zo[“o]l.) A small Asiatic mammal (Ailurus fulgens) having fine soft fur. It is related to the bears, and inhabits the mountains of Northern India. Eats shoots and leaves.
Jewish Mothers
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder.
“I am so obsessed with my mother… As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast.” The psychiatrist replies: “What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?”
Smartest Man in the World
There were 3 passengers on a small plane along with the pilot. One was the smartest man in the world, one was a minister, and the other was a young college student. All of a sudden, the pilot shouted that the plane was going down. There were only 3 parachutes. The pilot said that he had a wife and children who needed him, took one of the chutes and jumped out. There were now 2 parachutes. The smartest man in the world said, “I am the smartest man in the world, and I have made great contributions to civilization and culture and I must live so I can continue to do so. He grabbed a pack and jumped out. The minister turned to the student and said, “I have lived a long and full life and I am ready to meet my creator.” “You are young, and have your whole life ahead of you.” “You take the last parachute.” The student smiled and said, “Relax Rev, the smartest man in the world jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”
You’re in the Army Now
At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.” “Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”
Duck Food
Duck goes into feed store, steps up to the counter and says, “Hey, you got any duck food?” Guy says, “No”. Next day duck goes back to feed store, steps up to the counter and says, “Hey mac, got any duck food?” Guy says, “No! I told you yesterday we don’t got no duck food. Now beat it!” Next day duck goes back to feed store, steps up to the counter and says, “Hey mac, got any duck food?” Guy says, “I told you yesterday we ain’t got no duck food! Now if you come in here again asking for duck food I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor! Now scram!” Next day duck goes back to feed store, steps up to the counter and says, “Hey mac, got any nails?” Guy says, “No!” Duck says, “Got any duck food?”
Smart Dog
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
God
God was sitting in heaven one day when a group of scientists came to Him. The spokesman said to Him, “God, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing – in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.” “Oh, is that so? Tell Me…” replies God. “Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.” “Well, that’s very interesting…show Me.” So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. “No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”
History’s Worst Typo
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing “We forgot the “R”, We forgot the “R” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?” With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word is celebrate.” “The word is celebRate.”
What’s That You Say?
A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbour. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”
Senior Joke
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”
Golf
One Sunday a priest wakes up to a beautiful sunny day. He thinks about how he would love to play a round of golf, but has to say mass. He makes up his mind to play sick and get another priest to cover his mass. When all the others leave for church he jumps out of bed a drives to a far away golf course. He finds the course is empty as everyone else is in church. As the priest warms up on the first tee, a 500-yard par five, St Peter looks to God and says “You’re not going to let him get away with this are you?” Right then the priest strikes the ball, it lands in front of the green and rolls up into the hole. The priest goes wild, as he has just hit a 500-yard hole in one. St Peter says to God “Why did you let him do that?” God responds, “Who’s he going to tell?”
Prisoners
Guy goes to prison. He’s sitting in his cell when he hears an inmate yell out, “31!!!” All the prisoners and guards start laughing. “26!!!!” Another prisoner yells, again everyone laughs. “What’s going on?” the new guy asks his cell mate. “We’ve all been in jail so long telling the same jokes, we decided to just number them.” The new guy stands up, clears his throat and yells, “14!!!!” No one laughs. “I don’t get it”, the new guy asks. “How come no one laughed?” “Well”, his cell mate says, “some people are good at telling jokes, and some aren’t.” The new guy is now determined. Every day for a week he practices in his cell. “51!!! 51!!! 51. 51? 51!!!” Finally he stands up and yells out “51!!!!” The whole jail bursts out laughing. They’re laughing harder than they ever have before. The new guy asks his cell mate, “Why are they laughing so hard?” The cell mate wipes a tear out of his eye and says, “because we’ve never heard that one before.”
VERY PUNNY:
Did you hear about the guy who sent ten different puns to his friends, in the hopes that at least one of the puns would make his friends laugh? No pun in ten did.
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him very frail. And with his odd diet, he also suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
After my daughter had volunteered to organize a car wash for a parish fund-raiser, she soon found that the initial enthusiasm for the project had waned. Although she had tried for over an hour to enlist some other helpers, she was getting little response for her efforts. At one point she sighed, “Many are called – but few are hosin’.”
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he was on a beach. The sand was reddish-purple. He couldn’t believe it. The sky was reddish-purple. He walked around a bit and saw purple grass. Purple birds, even purple trees. “Oh, no!” he says,” I think I’ve been marooned!’
Two boll weevils lived and grew up in Georgia. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed home in the cotton fields and never did amount to much. He, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A couple of days ago, one of our local radio personalities told us on her show that she had found her son tipping out all the animal crackers from the packet and sorting through them on the table. He explained that he had to find a seal. “The label says not to consume them if the seal is broken.”
Gregor Mendel (1822-84) made a significant contribution to our understanding of genetics. His findings were developed as he bred new strains of sweet pea. His wish was for the betterment of mankind, and that one day, we would all ride the pea strain.
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” They asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, ” I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”
A man vacationing in Greece caught his pants on his hotel doorframe and ripped them. Desperate to get them fixed, he rushed up the street to the scholarly tailor’s shop. The tailor took one look at the pants and said ” Euripides?” to which the man replied, “Yes. Eumenides?”
A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone’s attention. “Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?”, he asks. “What’s he look like?”, asks a shoddy looking cowboy. “Well”, replies the Sheriff. “He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.” “So what’s he wanted for?”, asks the same cowboy. “Rustlin’…” replies the Sheriff.
Two robins are lying on their backs, soaking up some sun. A Mama cat and her kitten come walking by. The kitten complains, “Mama, I’m so hungry, what can we eat?” The Mama cat, spying the 2 birds replies, “How about some Baskin’ robins?”
A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One went to a family in Egypt and was named “Ahmal”. The other went to a family in Spain where he was named “Juan”. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responded, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal!”
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist from across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest, meanest thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their shop, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close the store. Terrified, they did so, thus proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of Euphrates, the most voluble diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Crosus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” “But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the King!” Crocus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
QUIPS:
Having children is like being slowly picked to death by chickens.
Smoking or Valium: I’ve made my choice!
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
There are three kinds of men: The one that learns by reading, the few who learn observation and the rest who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
“OK, we’ll close down the business, have the manager shot, and give you back all your money. Will that make you happy?”
Only you can prevent narcissism!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else!
Teach a man to make a fire and he is warm for a day, but set that man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.
Failure is simply a price we pay to achieve success.
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that makes you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird; sleep late.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from poor judgment.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Character is what you are in the dark.
Heck is for people who don’t believe in Gosh.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies – not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
There are only 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
A forest is in an acorn.
A hedge between keeps friendship green (French Proverb)
A hungry man is an angry man (English proverb)
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
A day without sunshine is like night.
To err is human. To moo is bovine.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
They had a dispute about a night out with the boys. But he finally decided to let her go.
What’s a nice joint like you doing in an elbow like this?
I sat out all night wondering why the sun set until it finally dawned on me….
I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping.” Now I just “chunky dunk.”
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me…. they’re cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: – religion -royalty – sex – mystery. The prize-winning essay read: “My God,” said the Queen. “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?”
“Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration; that we are all together one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively; that there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we’re the imagination of ourselves… And now, here’s Tom with the weather.”
Teenagers, tired of being hassled by your stupid parents? Act Now! Move out, get a job and pay your own bills while you still know everything
Simple Thoughts 